"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, everyone of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:16
I've read this passage countless times but this week my circumstances have given meaning to it for me. I know and love well the parts before and after this section, "God formed my inward being, he knit me together in my mother's womb, I am wonderfully made and my frame was not hidden from you..." and the passage after "How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more then the sand. I awake, and I am still with you."
I am sitting here as my cramping is slowly starting signally the start of my body shedding the rest of the pregnancy tissues and the "little unformed substance" in me. Processing, grieving, and now accepting it, it was shock and denial at first, I've always been (even a little conceitedly I admit) one of those women who were fairly certain that having a miscarriage would never happen to me. Yet here I am. . . I mean I've been blessed with three very healthy and normal children easy pregnancies with no complications. So shock that this was/is really happening. Denial that this was really a miscarriage, (it's just a fluke my body was tricked into thinking it was pregnant, there was no baby in the ultrasound, no baby was even formed in me. . . ) so yes technically the baby in me never formed into having it's body shaped, it limbs formed, it's organs beginning to develop It never got past it's cells multiplying, the endearing "baby blob" stage. But if I believe the bible (and I do!) then God's eyes saw our baby's unformed substance and the days that were formed for him or her were counted and written down in God's book. I know this baby is with God in heaven, I am sure that God has will be giving him/her a new body that's fully formed and in His image just as he has promised to give us new bodies in heaven.
Even though this sucks right now (the Lord knows and a few of my friends and Judah how much I wanted to be pregnant again, how excited I was for this baby) I also am looking forward to what God can make of this in my life. I don't for a second believe he wanted this or even made this to happen but he did allow it, he did allow our baby to stop developing and then to be taken home for whatever reason or reasons.
I still would appreciate your prayers as this process isn't over yet and I have signs of it starting soon. I know my first post (on facebook or emailed) may have been confusing as it was to me a little at first so feel free to call or email me I don't mind talking about it and I have a much better grasp of what is happening.
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." Isaiah 26:3-4
Brandy, I am choking back tears reading this. I love you. I believe God already is using this experience to deepen your trust in Him and your understanding of His love for you. Dad
ReplyDeleteDearest Daughter,
ReplyDeleteYou are a beutiful women of God! I too, am confident knowing that your baby is in heaven and know that God has allowed this for His plan and purpose. I grieve with you and Judah knowing that we may never hold this baby in our arms, but rejoice knowing that this child is with God in heaven.
I love you.
Mom
Dear Brandy,
ReplyDeleteAs I read this I too was crying. I've been there. I remember being resentful when I lost my second of three miscarriages at 17 weeks along. The world for me stopped and my prayers couldn't get past, "Why?" I cried for days. I resented that Dirk and the girls and everyone else could move on while I still bore in my body the physical and emotional memory of someone who would never be with me. But then, as I kept asking God why, a peace that I couldn't manufacture or understand flooded me. To this day, I can't articulate that peace, but the verses from Jeremiah about God knowing the plans for me, and the baby, came to mind.
As I read your blog, I was picturing a little toddler sitting at the feet of Jesus, a little Ivy, knowing and loving God in a way that we can't even understand yet. When we see Jesus face to face, we'll ask our babies to show us around as I'm sure they're waiting to meet us too.
We're praying for you here. If we can help in any other way, we're willing.
Thanks for sharing Brandy. Its a hard thing to bear and I'm so glad you don't think that it was God's will, but that he allowed it to happen. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I have a right to be but I'm hurt and angry. I try not to think about it cause I start crying. You are a holy and devoted woman of God and I'm proud to have you for my daughter in love, as the wife and mother of my son and grandchildren. Will pray for you and everyone there.
ReplyDeleteLove always,
Mom in love
WOW Brandy, thanks for sharing! You are such an example, I'll still be praying for you but just wanted you to know I really admire your attitude!!
ReplyDeleteLove ya and hope things continue to happen on their own!
Thanks everyone for your prayers, mother nature and my body took it's course last night and the worst of the physical miscarriage is over. I am still feeling a little weak but relieved the wait is over.
ReplyDelete