Some encouragement and insight I have found from Amy Carmichael. The more I read her stuff the more appreciation I have for her and the life she lived, she understood grief, suffering, love, hope and service among many many other things!

From Candles in the Dark.

I think the Lord must find it difficult to teach us that here have we no continuing city. "This is not your rest"; I often think that we know it, but we don't find it easy to live as if it were true. More and More I feel that we are what the Bible says we are - strangers and pilgrims. And all the things that happen are meant to emphasize that.
But the pilgrim's God is very close to you...through these days.

...He understands.
And the depression that follows pain He understands too. "My soul cleaveth to the dust" : no truer words were ever written. Sometimes just to know one is understood helps.

Don't let anything discourage you. Some may disappoint you- He was disappointed. You will find that nothing is too small for his regard. He will say things to you that you could not repeat - they would sound too small, too intimate- but they will be the joy and rejoicing of your heart.

Don't let your mind dwell on sadness as it saps the soul of strength. There is more blue sky overhead than clouds. The clouds will pass. I often think how sad we shall be at the end, if we have failed in joy. I don't want to fail.

Today was okay to start, most days seem okay, mornings are good I wake, the kids want food, I read, drink coffee, break up squabbles, drink more coffee. . .
Today we made an attempt at starting schoolwork again (we still have more to finish yet this year) it was fine for me but the kids were not so happy at having to work and exercise their brains :).
So we made it through a few sections.  Jaelle was really the only one I had a difficult time getting to do her work she was throwing a fit through it but towards the end she bucked up and finished it well. Josiah started to whine but stopped quickly and just got to work and got it done. Enoch did well as long as I was paying attention to him but as soon as I started helping one of the others he very, very quickly got off track.  I know as we start to do it everyday and they get used to doing the work again it shouldn't be such a struggle to get everyone's attitudes in control right away.
After we were done with that we finished packing up some packages to mail to a friend and one to a cousin, made lunch, cleaned the living room and then went to the post office and then to Lake Union to enjoy some sun, seeing as it was out and that the temps were above 60 today.
I managed to back the van into a guy's utility truck that was parked behind our parking spot, (slightly vexing) even though I know I should have and could have avoided the collision, it was that he parked in a spot that is NOT a parking spot and in a spot that makes the space in which I normally have to back up into considerably smaller and for the past three years usually back up with out thinking about it, so when something is there that normally isn't and shouldn't even be there in the fist place (I've had close calls before when other folks with fancy cars have decided to park there before), it caused the crunch. Ugh, doesn't help that I was functioning on little sleep from the night before so my auto-pilot was on. I even noted the truck was there in that spot and had even gotten annoyed that it was even parked there as I was getting into the van and then I proceed to back up into it. At least I only managed to crack the rear break light cover (which had already been cracked and pieced back together with tape so I just have to re-tape the cover together).
I was going to call up a friend to see if they wanted to join us in a walk down to the Lake and the Spray park but as the day progressed didn't feel like the company. Also it's one of those relationships where it is (not entirely, but more so) for their benefit, dealing with their often unruly kids which rub off on my kids (making the time together exhausting because I am constantly keeping my kids in check) plus we haven't seen them since before Elias had gone and not sure how that would go or how they would act (some have acknowledge it a lot of others have acted awkwardly as though the big elephant isn't in the room and avoid talking at all about our loss).  So even though the kids really wanted to see them, I just didn't want to make the effort today or deal with the "potential" stress, so we went on our own.
It was good, the kids played in the water and I read, then they played on the hills of grass near by drying off and warming up again (even though the sun was out, it still was barely 70 out, makes for chilly kids when wet) while I talked to my dad on the phone. It felt good to be out.
Then home we went, Judah was up but tired and anticipating not a lot of sleep for himself tomorrow after working all night,  he went back to sleep for a two hours before needing to leave for work.
Not sure what it was, just the depressing tiredness, quietness of the house, or no daddy presence that evening or what it was exactly but it seemed we were still just blah, even after running around for a few hours outside, as we came home, the kids where at odds, not horribly but little misbehaviors that were ignored all day or rather not seriously disciplined for, came back in full force it seemed. Although I am sure it was more likely my weariness of the day and used up patience/tolerance that made it seem worse then it was. But it lead to squats for the Jelly, swats for the Enoch, Josiah was made to sit and quietly read(he'd much rather be running around sword fighting, boxing or wrestling his siblings) and in the end everyone was just sent to bed an hour earlier then normal.
Then I went and cried with Judah for about a half an hour before he had to leave for work, then went and read and prayed with the kids (although Enoch was already out for the night)
and that was my day.
I feel rather hazy and tired, tired of the fight. Not giving up but I feel the weariness today.

So someone posted a thought about how one of the hardest part of losing a love one, and for us as Elias gone is everyone else's life gets on, returns to normal runnings but ours, ours is forever changed. It will never, never be the same again. I find myself having moments the past few days trying to do things, simple things like taking a shower or cleaning up the dishes and just have no motivation to get up and do anything. I'd rather just go and sit and stare at one of the pictures we have of our sweet smiling boy and remember the goofy wisps of long hair he had and how I loved to run my fingers through it and how soft and feathery it was and then just let the hot tears pour out. Then I have to shake it off, wipe the tears and force myself to get up and go and do these simple tasks.

We went and visited the gravesite today, I am so very grateful it is near us and we can go as often as we want and be near where he is laid to rest, the cemetery caretaker, (Paul Merry, and he is a rather jolly sort of flighty middle aged man, befitting his name) told us the proofs for the gravemarker/memorial should be ready by the end of this week. But I anticipate it will probably be at least a month if not more before the stone is actually placed on his grave.

I find it's easy to start thinking of the morning he stopped breathing, replaying everything that happened but I have to quickly stop myself, and remind myself that what happened has happened and we can't change it.  I get a rather sick, foreboding knot in my stomach, every time my thoughts turn in that direction.  So taking every thought captive. . .

I was talking to Judah last night, just about how we long, long for Elias to be restored to us, how we know, we know that if God chose to, he could even now raise him, whisk him here like the story of the ethiopian eunuch and philip in acts. But we know he isn't going to do that so we long and hope for the day we can be reunited with him. Judah then said that I just pray, that Jesus would return now and the thought hadn't really occurred to me that I could do that. . . thinking it could be years, seems such a long time and at the same time not really that long but it would be so much better if His return was soon. Come Lord Jesus,  come quickly.

Not much looks bright anymore, our dreams, aspirations, plans even for the future have dimmed. . .we know, we do know we will still keep standing, keep moving, but to be present with the Lord and to have Elias restored to us is what looks bright and what we hope for.

Elias Orion Ivy

So I started this post when Elias was still in the NICU at Swedish and let it sit in my draft folder for the past 5 months and figured  I should probably finish this and then I might attempt and just journaling through these next stages of grief as Elias is gone and the things I want to remember and the things each day or each moment as they come, clarity, insight or just plain musings or workings of my thoughts.

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January' 2012
So I figured today is a quiet day (just waiting till 4pm when they start Elias' swallow study) and now would be a good time to start writing down everything that has happened. For myself before I start to forget things and because I am sure some of you are curious about the whole story but have given us space to deal with the immediate stuff instead of asking lots of what has gotten us here.

So Elias was due to arrive Christmas Eve or Day, yet he did not. My mom had flown in on the 22nd to be here for the delivery so the wait began. I had started to have some contractions but nothing that marked Labor was starting. Each day up to christmas was hopefully waiting yet nothing still, everyday after christmas was a battle to not get grumpy and irritable at everyone because labor was not starting still. Each evening I would have contractions for a few hours but then they would stop. So on the 28th early evening contractions started to get more frequent but still nothing super strong and nothing consistent unless you can count contractions 6 minutes apart then 2 minutes apart then 8 minutes and then 6 and then 2 again all varying in strength. So I spent all night awake yet trying to sleep but I just couldn't a few times I felt like maybe my water was leaking but not sure...so finally around 5 am I decided I would try and sleep a little and did until 8am I woke up and felt like I was leaking a little again but frustratingly the contractions had slowed down quite a bit again more like 10 to 12 minutes apart. After trying decided if I should wait out one more day ( I was supposed to go in on friday the 30th if I hadn't started labor yet) or call and see if I could be checked because of the possible leaking. I called and they said come in and as we were up and starting to move around and get out the door to go the contractions started up again getting closer and stronger (still only about 8 minutes apart at that point). Once we got there the on-call midwife, michelle started to check me. She checked and the fluid I had been leaking was definitely amniotic fluid (which meant that there was a tear somewhere higher up in the sac) and when she checked my cervix I was dilated in a funnel tip way one on the outside but four on the inside. So the other thing which started the day off was Elias had a fore sac of fluid above his head that was starting to come down first so michelle was pretty sure that within a few hours my sac should break on it's own or if it didn't we could go into the hospital and walk around for a few hours try and get the contractions to get stronger and Elias to descend down into the pelvic a little more and if that didn't do the trick she could break the sac. So off we went to the hospital checking in at about 11am on the 29th.

At the hopsital:
After checking in we waited for the nurse monitor me and Elias a little and then we would start walking around a little(and everyone was in tow, kids and Oma, we had decided that if everything went well we would let the kids watch the delivery of Elias). Contractions were getting harder but still not much else was happening pain was not too bad and I could easily breath through it. Michelle after a little while checked me and I had dilated to about an 8 on the inside and maybe a 5 on the outside (still dilating in funnel shape) so they called it a 6 or 7 but Elias was not descending down into the pelvic and because he was so high they didn't want to break my water in case his cord came down first and or he didn't settle down in after about 6 hours of all sorts of different positions and such to try and get gravity working and Elias to come down they decided to try and put me on a pitocin drip to try and get some stronger contractions coming to either break the water or push Elias down into the pelvic or both so they put me on the drip (mind you no meds) for another 3 hours I was on pitocin and still contracting regularly and stronger now but still Elias was way up "in Canada" as my midwife stated but by this time I was completely dilated but the water was not breaking and Elias was not descending. Around 8 or 9 my midwife told me she was going to call in a OB/GYN doc because in order to break the water at this point she needed to have a doc present in case of an emergency C-Section, I think I still wasn't at this point grasping things were not progressing as they should, the main fear was that if they broke the water and waters, Elias and cord all came gushing out the potential for Elias to be strangled by the cord was high so I needed to be prepared to have an emergency C-Section done. Or my other option was to not risk it and just go for the C-Section right then and there but whether it was pride in my baby delivering skills or fear or just knowledge of what that would all entail I couldn't accept the fact that I would be able to deliver Elias normally. So after we were given time to discuss the options, pray about I told my midwife that I would be okay with them breaking my water in the operating room and delivering him in there in case of the need for an emergency C-Section but I wanted to still do as much as possible, naturally as I could. So they got Judah suited up and me wheeled down the hall to the operating room (the kids and my mom couldn't come in there with us, they had been troopers through the whole labor time waiting patiently for Elias to come) once in the room me flat on my back on a very uncomfortable board/bed they broke my water and it gushed...all over the dear nurses and my midwife and the doctor!! :) and all praise to the father the cord did not gush out with the water but oh my I was not prepared to the rapid need to push Elias out and the excruciating pain of how rapidly He was coming now that all the water that had been holding him back was gone, I now I screamed, I clutched Judah, I am sure I may have even bruised his poor hands I was squeezing so hard and within five minutes Elias was out!! and I held him I felt his weight in my arms and the Joy that surpasses anything you could every feel was there, the pain of seconds before was just fading memory and Elias my littlest love was in my arms and I kissed his sweet little head and laughed and winced with the pain of fading contractions (though Elias had come so fast I think it took my body about 30min to realize he was out and stop contracting!) I remember I had to hand him off to my midwife for a minute so they could transfer me from the "board" back on to the hospital bed so we could be pushed back to our room. Then I had him back and he cried and I got to hold his sweetness to me and my mom and the kids and judah all walked with us back to the room and then the kids all got to see him touch him and then Judah got to hold him and look at him and then they gave him back to me and he was crying, I tried nursing him but he seemed to be having a hard time breathing and with concern we asked the nurse, is he okay, he seems to be having a hard time breathing and then in a blur the rest of the night happened they took him to the nursery and I sent Judah with them since I couldn't get up and go and I didn't want Elias for a second to be without one of us by him. At first we were told he just needs to be suctioned out so in about twenty minutes or so they would bring him to me or me to him. We sent my mom and the kids home to sleep and come back in the morning and I waited for the nurses or judah or my midwife to come back with Elias but they then told me to come with to the nursery to feed him but when I got there they had oxygen on his face and judah looked very concerned and white and there was a blur of nurses coming and an xray guy coming to try and pass an NG tube down Elias' esophagus and a doc was called and we waited while Elias was hoarse with crying and nothing we could do but sit back and watch....they told us he needed to be transferred to Swedish for an surgical evaluation, which wasn't really an answer other then he need to be looked at and they think he might need surgery... after that my midwife told me that my bleeding looked okay and if I felt up to it she could discharge me and let me go with Elias to the Hospital. So I got cleaned up and Judah and I waited while the paramedics came and got Elias all bundled up in  box with oxygen we got to see him one more time and kiss his little hands and then we had to let him go then we had to sign a whole bunch of paper work and then they told us they suspected that he had TEF and Esophagial Atresia. So we waited for a taxi to come and then we were taken to Swedish where we then were directed to the NICU where Elias had been transferred, we went in to see him our sweety sedated and on oxygen, we were told a little of what would be happening over the next 24 hours and then that we could get a room there at the hospital to stay in for the next few nights... and thus began our journey which would lead us to two long weeks in the NICU which seemed like an eternity then but now in perspective was really only a wisp, a fading moment compared to eternity. 

Travels

Well, here we go the crazy pre-travel prep/packing/cleaning starts today! Parents arrive tomorrow, sewed up a storm of projects yesterday, so today is saved for cleaning and packing. Sunday we go up to Oak Harbor to see Nate get ordained by his father-in-law at CC Oak Harbor, then hopely home in time to chill do any last minute prep, head to church in Capitol Hill for a little in the evening with a friend. Then in the morning (monday) we leave for J&K. All the while, Judah will be working ever night from now until we leave on Monday (:( but good for monetary funds when we return) the kids will leave with Mom and Dad to spend a  day with Nate and Marielle and girls before they drive back to MN and then we fly back to the states on the 29th stopping first in MN to pick up the kids then flying back to Seattle on the 31st.

 Prayer request for our trip:

• That we don't catch any traveller's bugs or food contaminated stomach bugs. 
• That the kids enjoy there time with Oma and Opa and don't miss us to much.
• Also that the van doesn't have any problems as they drive back to MN.
• And just general safety for Judah and I and baby Elias in my belly!

So that's up for updates except for anyone who didn't get our text/facebook update or phone call, the baby is most definitely a boy! Everything with the pregnancy and baby is right on track and nice and healthy. Looking forward to meeting little Elias Orion during Christmas time!

Ah, Summer!

I love Seattle! I love living here! While the rest of the country is suffering a heat wave we are enjoying the cool mist and drizzle of 65 degree (sometime up to 70) of the NW Coast, not to brag but I really am grateful for the weather we enjoy out here. Today it's to be sunny and 75 can't beat that :)

So India, here we come! Literally it's right around the corner (Aug 15th we fly out), we just got our approved visa's back in the mail last week so we can officially enter India. The family we are meeting out there came through town on there way to CA so stopped and had dinner with us, it was great to see them and even talk in person (rather then email) what we should expect when we arrive. I still a little apprehensive about food and altitude and being able to drink enough water to stay hydrated and would appreciate any prayers while we are there that I don't get sick from the food or water or altitude. The kids are looking forward to traveling with Oma and Opa and Enoch keeps talking about in 3...6(his new favorite number is 6) days he's going to go in Oma's plane (we told the kids we were going to fly in the plane back home to seattle after mommy and daddy get back from India and some how that translated into Enoch's mind that it was Oma's plane we are going in)?

So other thing that some people may not know yet (but I think most everyone who reads this does already know) that I am right now 17 weeks pregnant! Very excited for that and enjoying being pregnant again, I have an ultrasound on Aug 5 and hopefully we will find out the sex of this baby, I am leaning towards it being a boy but would be pleasantly surprised if it's a girl :) Not really showing a lot yet but i am starting to stick out a bit more and am sure that with in the next few weeks will be showing even more.

Well, that's all for now we just got finished with Judah have a week long conference with the Discovery Institute and then some best-est friends came and spent the day with us!! So back to normalcy this week I think praying to get back on the exercise and trying my hardest to get myself as much conditioned and in shape as I can before we start our trip.

hmmm!

Well, i know i am overdue for an update and yet still not quite feeling the motivation to relate all that has occurred in the past month or since i last wrote :D but here are a few things:

Work at Carenet has been great! I am almost finished with my "official" in-center training, learning lots and lots, how to answer the phone, how to walk through an intake with a client taking into mind their mindset (abortion minded, abortion vulnerable, or not abortion vulnerable). I got to sit on two intakes so far and both were completely different  although they both were for a pregnancy test. One was not very open to any ministering and mainly just wanted a "official verification of pregnancy" where as the other gal was very abortion minded and we spent 1 1/2 talking with her. (Oh, Lord Jesus, please keep your arms around this girl and help her to choose the thing to do that is right and to bring back into a right relationship with you).  One of the ladies I have been working with is leaving, she got a job as the new director for a new clinic that is opening up it's doors very soon. So although i am not nearly prepared for it i will be filling her spot on our shift! So very excited for what doors the Lord will open and ways I will be growing through volunteering here. I love it! So again a plug for prayers, I am there on Tuesday mornings from 9am to 1pm (western time) so if you think of me then please pray for me there!

More plans being prepared for our trip to India in August last official thing to do is send off for the visas which I will be doing this week but all our tickets here and there and back are bought, Yeah! Thank the Lord for his provision and blessings.

Lets see what else. . . Judah and I got to spend the night in downtown seattle while some friends of our took the kids overnight. That was great and so very relaxing, we had a room at a great inn right at the harbor steps and then we just walked around downtown that night ate and then also walked around downtown the next morning after we checked out. We went to the Seattle Public Library which is this huge building i've never been in before but it was really neat and I am kinda excited to start taking the kids down there on a regular bases it's got a great children's section and lots and lots of great nooks and crannies to hind out in and read and even with the kids!

Well, for now that's all i am going to write because the kids movie is over and i need to start in on some school work with them now... here's some great encouragement from Amy Carmichael to end my note with:

Don't Give Up

The younger of the baby kingfishers has caught his first fish. He flew off with it to show it to his mother. We heard all she said about it, and all he said. Mother and son have talked of nothing else for the last ten minutes. But just before this joy the young kingfisher had a great disappointment. He had been practising all kinds of dives, and at last he came up jubilant. He had a beakful of something! He could hardly stand for excitement-but it wasn't a fish. It was a leaf. Have you ever felt as I think that poor little bird felt then? (It took him quite a long time to recover from his disappointment.) You thought you had found power and patience to deal with some difficulty, and then somehow you hadn't. Leaf for fish-it was rather like that.  Then do what the kingfisher did. Don't give up. Seek again. "In due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart" (Gal. 6:9) "He also taught them by a parable that they must always pray and never lose heart" (Luke 18:1)

just a quickish blog before off to bed with me... :-)

So today was my "official" first day at volunteering at Care Net of Puget Sound.
I am planning on serving there every tuesday from 9am to 1pm so if you happen to think of me then i would covet prayer for my time there.  Right now I will still have 7 more weeks of in clinic training before becoming an "official" volunteer there.

A couple of things I would love to have people praying for is that on Tuesdays planned parenthood has abortion day and the clinic i serve at is just two doors down from planned parenthood.
So prayer that the couples/women going there would come into Care Net instead...or would go through with those abortions.
Also that there would be more women coming into the clinic and finding Jesus!

Today was a blast from the past for me, I watched a DVD series called "sharing Jesus without fear" put on my Bill Fay. I heard him teach back in highschool at First B the church we were attending at the time. It is very good stuff, very simple and a great refresher for me. There have been things he taught that have stuck with me since i first heard them about sharing your faith and I am excited to grow in this area of my life...witnessing, sharing Jesus with people I meet...

We had some friends over for dinner tonight and it was great fun...(we had been trying to get together with them for the past two months so it was great to finally be able to make it work for both of us!)

 And tomorrow we are going to trek around town...let Josiah go biking, probably to up to Mountlake Terrace for church, enjoy Judah's day of spring break...his only one that we don't really have any obligations lined up for this week.

That's all for now :-)

Commitment

One day there was a hard thing to be done, and one of us didn't want to do it.
"I can't, " she said; but she added honestly, "at least, I don't like to!"
Now she was very fond of a certain hymn. " onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war," and her friend (Amma, of course!), who did not at all intend to give up doing this little difficult thing, began to sing it softly - only putting it rather differently:

Onward, Christian soldiers,
Sitting on the mats!
Nice and warm and cozy
Like little pussycats.
Onward, Christian soldiers,
Oh how brave are we!
Don't we do our fighting
Very comfortably?

She laughed at first; but soon she almost cried, for she saw not only the absurdity of it but the wrong of singing one thing and doing another.
So she and her friend knelt down together and asked God to make them true to their hymns and true to their prayers.
And then they sang this chorus:

From all fear of what men think or say,
Victory for me! Victory for me!
From ever fearing to speak, sing or pray,
Victory for me! Victory for me!
Lord, in Thy love and Thy power make me strong,
That all may know that to Thee I belong,
And when I'm tempted let this be my song,
Victory for me! Victory for me!

Amy Carmichael, "Fragments that Remain" ( Ch. 8 The Cross and The Commitment)

Oh Lord, Let me be true to my prayers and my words!

Writer

Today during our Women's bible study, one of the ladies spoke for St. Patrick's Day Bunch and her topic was writing your testimony. Now she is a writer/editor and although her content was good you could tell that speaking was not something she was totally comfortable with and who is right?? It was good stuff though and got me thinking about this blog and what the Lord is doing in my life lately... there has been no huge life changing thing but lots of little things that i am sure if I were a little more consistent with recording those things as they happen might prove to be something that ends up being a bigger thing he is doing with me!
So, I am committing (to myself mainly) to really make an effort at this writing because although I am not a "writer" I do enjoy writing when i do it and I want to be able to "recall, the works of his hands"

Enoch Daniel

It's 2:30am and i should go to bed (and I will be shortly) but officially Enoch is 4 today hard to believe it's here already! Enoch we've lived in four different places for each of his birthdays, first in Saint Paul were he was born at Saint Joseph's, then when He was one we were in Saint Cloud, living at Dom and Danielle's. Next, for his second birthday we had moved to WA and were living in Kent (and my mom was there for his birthday) and then for his birthday last year and now this year we have lived here in Seattle! This year he wanted a "blue, woody birthday!" (woody, from toy story) normally i don't decorate the house aside from balloons but this week spur of the moment i got some decorations and also very spur of the moment invited a friend and her two year old and baby over to enjoy birthday cake with us!! (I think it was my mood from changed plans but I felt the need to make it super special for him)
Another phenomenon which has probably occurred because we/I knew his birthday was coming is that in the past two months he seems to have almost completely turned into a little boy not just "my baby" any more. He's speaking more clearly, he's playing with more intricate toys...and i think in general we are expecting more of him and he is rising to the occasion! Anyhow we are going to enjoy the day tomorrow! Happy Birthday my sweet Enoch!

India

India!!

I love India :-) Back in 1999 I was blessed to go on a mission trip with Teen Mission's International, when signing up to go my first choice had been to go to Haiti but didn't get on that team, instead I was put on my second choice which was India. I have no doubt that was the Lord's design and ever since that trip I have greatly desired to go back. I fell in love with the Indian people and the country, the land itself, if you can look past the slums is a beautiful country.
And now the Lord is opening the doors and working out the details to allow us (Judah and I) to go (me to go back) to India it is going to be just a short trip but we're going!!
We will be joining our friends as they move back to the country after a furlough here in North America.

As of now (subject to minor adjustments) the plan is that my parents will make a trip out here by 8/15 to"pick up" the kids and take them back to MN, while Judah and I will fly out of Seattle and then spend a few days shy of two weeks in India, returning to the states via MN on the 8/29 to "pick up" the kids from my parents, then rent a car and get back to Seattle by 9/2 for Judah to return to work and school starting back up shortly after that as well.

Also in the "tentative and Lord willing" plans are to try and get pregnant again soon timing it out again as much as possible and as the Lord wills so that by the time august rolls around I will be past the 1st trimester and but not into the 3rd yet!

So time will tell how that all will work out but either way tickets are bought so no going back now!! (or at least not without a substantial loss of funds by aborting plan)

Back in the fall of this year I decided to look into pregnancy crisis clinics in the area for the purpose of finding one to volunteer at. About a year ago I had looked into it but didn't really find anything and also didn't really follow up on it other then an internet search. So this time around after searching again finding that the closest clinics were all at least 45 minutes away still decided to at least contact them and find out what they were all about. Sent them a request for more info and that a director from the clinic closest would contact me. Then I waited almost to the point of giving up on this clinic and starting the search anew they got back to me (it was about 2 months after the request was first sent) and set up an appointment for an interview and also just to meet and here what I was interested in doing and what they offered and what they were all about. That meeting took place then at the end of January and right away after first talking to the director (her name is Cindy) I felt really excited and that this was definitely going to be a good fit for me.
Before they let you come and start volunteering they have you go through roughly 24 hours of training spread out over 2 weeks. And the training was scheduled for the last week in Feb and first week in March....but then the "snow" came and if you didn't know this yet FYI Washington shuts down at the first sighting or even rumoring of glimmering and fluttering of flakes. Which in all fairness to Washingtonians is a good idea as no roads are a salted or plowed or sanded properly and everyone starts driving like a teenager who is driving on their own in snow and ice for the first time ever (lack of experience + potentially perilous conditions). We actually did drive in the mess of it and had a few stressful hours of driving to and from our destination. Minnesotians think spring time storm....just cold enough to slightly freeze, icy slush plus no salt or plows because in a day of two at most it will all melt away anyways.
All that to say the training got rescheduled :-)
Which for me the only difficulty in that was my planned in advance childcare (which included the 2 hour drive though icy terror to get it) for the all day training on friday was not available. But thanks to a friend who helped out at the last minute and a shortened day so i could get home in time for Judah to head off to work helped me get it covered...now all I have is tuesday evening left of training and then the rest will be completed at the center.
So once my training is complete, my commitment to the clinic will be 4 hours a week for a least a year and i am very excited to see what the Lord has in store for me through this all.
One thing that has really stuck out me in training had made me look at the whole prolife-prochoice debates is that if we would focus a little more on the women in need and not so much on the baby, as a side affect of that is the baby will be taken a care of... anyway i am sure this is very long and if you stuck with it I apologize for the disconnected thoughts and overly long sentences. I am super sleepy but wanted to get this out there before weeks pass with out anything being written. So here it is with more to come later when i am a little more conscious! Brandy

Yeah for internet access at home, we are back online!!

well so much for keeping a little more updated, we've lost our free wifi from neighbors so now i have to drive down to a coffeeshop to get internet...blah, after almost a week of no services i am missing it sorely. Only real news is our tickets to India this summer are bought so excited! Working on keeping in shape and homeschooling the kids and that's all for now.

blogs... well i know i had intended on keeping this updated at least a little more frequently so here is my attempt.

Since last writing life has returned to some sort of normalcy with a renewed determination to be -consistent in schooling Josiah and Jaelle (and Enoch a little): which has consisted of finishing his big workbook of everything a 1st grader should know, started working through a new math workbook (he finished his first one a little while before Dec.), learning and working through the Charlotte Mason approach to reading narration, hymn and scripture memorization as well as handwriting practice and for now that all i've managed to consistantly keep up but I hope to add a little more soon.
-exercising: to finish getting down to my goal weight and also to build up some endurance and strength for our upcoming planned trip(more on that in a minute)
-house up-keeping: getting rid of clutter and organizing the house I've managed to get our entire house nice and organized with the exception of one box of photo's i have been intending to clean up and organize and then just maintaining the house cleaning up the little messes right away so the don't become huge attempting to do laundry when i have only a few loads instead of 5 or 6 loads and then making sure i don't let it remain unfolded but putting it away right a way and also keeping the dishes and kitchen cleaned up every night. It's great and something i have worked hard at to get to this point in the past 3 years.

So aside from that other things that have started for us on Wednesday's we have a home fellowship but so far we've only had one other couple and then one other girl consistently come and then on Fridays I open up the house for a women's night of fellowship so far again only two women have come but Lord willing that will increase more soon!

Last update for us is we are planning in the middle of August (for about 2 weeks)joining the Ahlbrechts as they move back to India, so Lord willing and provided judah is approved for the time off work and we can work out the logistics of childcare and visa's approved we will going! I am excited about this trip. In talking about going and the possibility becoming a reality, we never talked about getting pregnant again and what that would mean for the trip, but it came up the other day. I was under the assumption that I would be pregnant on the trip and that Judah knew or I should say recall (because we did talk about this) as soon as possible I would want to try again but he hadn't and his first reaction is we can't go if you are because it wouldn't be safe and we've already said we are going to go. So either you get pregnant and we don't go or you wait till we get back but for me waiting another 9 months before getting pregnant again isn't an option I want!! So after a few disagreements, clarifications, research on the subject also getting the opinion of some who has "been there, done that" :D We have decided to go ahead with the trip. and plan on attempting to get pregnant before we go. Again Lord willing if it happens within the next two or three months it will put me at somewhere between 4 and 6 month along (ideal time for traveling while pregnant) . The funny thing and perhaps even something the Lord allowed is that if Judah had thought about it or recalled that I would not be willing (or content) to wait that long we wouldn't have even considered going. Anyway things to ponder and the current going-on of the Ivy's!

The Lord is good!

Thank you so much to everyone who has prayed for us, offered help, sent condolences and encouragement!

My prayers were answered in that I did not have to wait very long for my body to figure out what was going on ending the pregnancy and completing it's process of restarting. Tuesday evening is when it happened. I prayed that it would happen before Jaelle's Birthday which was Wednesday and before Judah had to go back to work/school which also was Wednesday (for school and friday for work). So many, many things to be grateful for, especially in the all the little things that have happened and in realizing how much harder losing this baby could have been for us, grateful to be able to see some ways God has had mercy on us.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12

Baby #4

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, everyone of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Psalm 139:16

I've read this passage countless times but this week my circumstances have given meaning to it for me. I know and love well the parts before and after this section, "God formed my inward being, he knit me together in my mother's womb, I am wonderfully made and my frame was not hidden from you..." and the passage after "How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more then the sand. I awake, and I am still with you."
I am sitting here as my cramping is slowly starting signally the start of my body shedding the rest of the pregnancy tissues and the "little unformed substance" in me. Processing, grieving, and now accepting it, it was shock and denial at first, I've always been (even a little conceitedly I admit) one of those women who were fairly certain that having a miscarriage would never happen to me. Yet here I am. . . I mean I've been blessed with three very healthy and normal children easy pregnancies with no complications. So shock that this was/is really happening. Denial that this was really a miscarriage, (it's just a fluke my body was tricked into thinking it was pregnant, there was no baby in the ultrasound, no baby was even formed in me. . . ) so yes technically the baby in me never formed into having it's body shaped, it limbs formed, it's organs beginning to develop It never got past it's cells multiplying, the endearing "baby blob" stage. But if I believe the bible (and I do!) then God's eyes saw our baby's unformed substance and the days that were formed for him or her were counted and written down in God's book. I know this baby is with God in heaven, I am sure that God has will be giving him/her a new body that's fully formed and in His image just as he has promised to give us new bodies in heaven.
Even though this sucks right now (the Lord knows and a few of my friends and Judah how much I wanted to be pregnant again, how excited I was for this baby) I also am looking forward to what God can make of this in my life. I don't for a second believe he wanted this or even made this to happen but he did allow it, he did allow our baby to stop developing and then to be taken home for whatever reason or reasons.

I still would appreciate your prayers as this process isn't over yet and I have signs of it starting soon. I know my first post (on facebook or emailed) may have been confusing as it was to me a little at first so feel free to call or email me I don't mind talking about it and I have a much better grasp of what is happening.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock." Isaiah 26:3-4

life

Quick update here since it's been over a month since i have posted anything...
Enoch is officially potty trained we are done with diapers...
In end of July/beginning of August we are planning a trip out to MN (with a stop in ND)...
Judah is officially done with school for the summer (Josiah unfortunately is not done until June 22nd)...
God is Good and I am excited for some areas of growth and refining in my walk that has been happening lately.
We've been getting connected to the peoples at the Wallingford Church plant we are attending now. Very happy and over all I am excited for what this summer holds for us and that is all for now!

Enoch

So I've finally "seriously" started potty training Enoch. Once i actually just started doing it, putting him in underwear and all that, it all started coming back the things i did with the other two to potty train them. Something weird and I don't quite understand ( but I do remember similar behavior with Josiah) is this irrational "fear" or resistance to pooping on the toilet. So he didn't go yesterday and i knew he needed to today so all day i've tried to get him to go on the toilet...(peeing we've got down it's just the #2 that's a big issue) and i needed to go to the grocery store so I figure he's done pretty well staying dry all day so he'll be fine for a quick trip to the store, well i am sure you can guess what happened! Right in the middle of or trip, he's in the back of the cart (mind you no pull-ups just underwear) he does it in his pants, and not just pee but he finally poops. Ughhhhh! Luckily, thankfully! We were in the front of the store and today i had gotten a parking spot also right in the front of the store so it was just a quick run out to the van to change him into a diaper and clean pants...yuck! I will be thankful when the potty training is over.