So I started this post when Elias was still in the NICU at Swedish and let it sit in my draft folder for the past 5 months and figured I should probably finish this and then I might attempt and just journaling through these next stages of grief as Elias is gone and the things I want to remember and the things each day or each moment as they come, clarity, insight or just plain musings or workings of my thoughts.
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January' 2012
So I figured today is a quiet day (just waiting till 4pm when they start Elias' swallow study) and now would be a good time to start writing down everything that has happened. For myself before I start to forget things and because I am sure some of you are curious about the whole story but have given us space to deal with the immediate stuff instead of asking lots of what has gotten us here.
So Elias was due to arrive Christmas Eve or Day, yet he did not. My mom had flown in on the 22nd to be here for the delivery so the wait began. I had started to have some contractions but nothing that marked Labor was starting. Each day up to christmas was hopefully waiting yet nothing still, everyday after christmas was a battle to not get grumpy and irritable at everyone because labor was not starting still. Each evening I would have contractions for a few hours but then they would stop. So on the 28th early evening contractions started to get more frequent but still nothing super strong and nothing consistent unless you can count contractions 6 minutes apart then 2 minutes apart then 8 minutes and then 6 and then 2 again all varying in strength. So I spent all night awake yet trying to sleep but I just couldn't a few times I felt like maybe my water was leaking but not sure...so finally around 5 am I decided I would try and sleep a little and did until 8am I woke up and felt like I was leaking a little again but frustratingly the contractions had slowed down quite a bit again more like 10 to 12 minutes apart. After trying decided if I should wait out one more day ( I was supposed to go in on friday the 30th if I hadn't started labor yet) or call and see if I could be checked because of the possible leaking. I called and they said come in and as we were up and starting to move around and get out the door to go the contractions started up again getting closer and stronger (still only about 8 minutes apart at that point). Once we got there the on-call midwife, michelle started to check me. She checked and the fluid I had been leaking was definitely amniotic fluid (which meant that there was a tear somewhere higher up in the sac) and when she checked my cervix I was dilated in a funnel tip way one on the outside but four on the inside. So the other thing which started the day off was Elias had a fore sac of fluid above his head that was starting to come down first so michelle was pretty sure that within a few hours my sac should break on it's own or if it didn't we could go into the hospital and walk around for a few hours try and get the contractions to get stronger and Elias to descend down into the pelvic a little more and if that didn't do the trick she could break the sac. So off we went to the hospital checking in at about 11am on the 29th.
At the hopsital:
After checking in we waited for the nurse monitor me and Elias a little and then we would start walking around a little(and everyone was in tow, kids and Oma, we had decided that if everything went well we would let the kids watch the delivery of Elias). Contractions were getting harder but still not much else was happening pain was not too bad and I could easily breath through it. Michelle after a little while checked me and I had dilated to about an 8 on the inside and maybe a 5 on the outside (still dilating in funnel shape) so they called it a 6 or 7 but Elias was not descending down into the pelvic and because he was so high they didn't want to break my water in case his cord came down first and or he didn't settle down in after about 6 hours of all sorts of different positions and such to try and get gravity working and Elias to come down they decided to try and put me on a pitocin drip to try and get some stronger contractions coming to either break the water or push Elias down into the pelvic or both so they put me on the drip (mind you no meds) for another 3 hours I was on pitocin and still contracting regularly and stronger now but still Elias was way up "in Canada" as my midwife stated but by this time I was completely dilated but the water was not breaking and Elias was not descending. Around 8 or 9 my midwife told me she was going to call in a OB/GYN doc because in order to break the water at this point she needed to have a doc present in case of an emergency C-Section, I think I still wasn't at this point grasping things were not progressing as they should, the main fear was that if they broke the water and waters, Elias and cord all came gushing out the potential for Elias to be strangled by the cord was high so I needed to be prepared to have an emergency C-Section done. Or my other option was to not risk it and just go for the C-Section right then and there but whether it was pride in my baby delivering skills or fear or just knowledge of what that would all entail I couldn't accept the fact that I would be able to deliver Elias normally. So after we were given time to discuss the options, pray about I told my midwife that I would be okay with them breaking my water in the operating room and delivering him in there in case of the need for an emergency C-Section but I wanted to still do as much as possible, naturally as I could. So they got Judah suited up and me wheeled down the hall to the operating room (the kids and my mom couldn't come in there with us, they had been troopers through the whole labor time waiting patiently for Elias to come) once in the room me flat on my back on a very uncomfortable board/bed they broke my water and it gushed...all over the dear nurses and my midwife and the doctor!! :) and all praise to the father the cord did not gush out with the water but oh my I was not prepared to the rapid need to push Elias out and the excruciating pain of how rapidly He was coming now that all the water that had been holding him back was gone, I now I screamed, I clutched Judah, I am sure I may have even bruised his poor hands I was squeezing so hard and within five minutes Elias was out!! and I held him I felt his weight in my arms and the Joy that surpasses anything you could every feel was there, the pain of seconds before was just fading memory and Elias my littlest love was in my arms and I kissed his sweet little head and laughed and winced with the pain of fading contractions (though Elias had come so fast I think it took my body about 30min to realize he was out and stop contracting!) I remember I had to hand him off to my midwife for a minute so they could transfer me from the "board" back on to the hospital bed so we could be pushed back to our room. Then I had him back and he cried and I got to hold his sweetness to me and my mom and the kids and judah all walked with us back to the room and then the kids all got to see him touch him and then Judah got to hold him and look at him and then they gave him back to me and he was crying, I tried nursing him but he seemed to be having a hard time breathing and with concern we asked the nurse, is he okay, he seems to be having a hard time breathing and then in a blur the rest of the night happened they took him to the nursery and I sent Judah with them since I couldn't get up and go and I didn't want Elias for a second to be without one of us by him. At first we were told he just needs to be suctioned out so in about twenty minutes or so they would bring him to me or me to him. We sent my mom and the kids home to sleep and come back in the morning and I waited for the nurses or judah or my midwife to come back with Elias but they then told me to come with to the nursery to feed him but when I got there they had oxygen on his face and judah looked very concerned and white and there was a blur of nurses coming and an xray guy coming to try and pass an NG tube down Elias' esophagus and a doc was called and we waited while Elias was hoarse with crying and nothing we could do but sit back and watch....they told us he needed to be transferred to Swedish for an surgical evaluation, which wasn't really an answer other then he need to be looked at and they think he might need surgery... after that my midwife told me that my bleeding looked okay and if I felt up to it she could discharge me and let me go with Elias to the Hospital. So I got cleaned up and Judah and I waited while the paramedics came and got Elias all bundled up in box with oxygen we got to see him one more time and kiss his little hands and then we had to let him go then we had to sign a whole bunch of paper work and then they told us they suspected that he had TEF and Esophagial Atresia. So we waited for a taxi to come and then we were taken to Swedish where we then were directed to the NICU where Elias had been transferred, we went in to see him our sweety sedated and on oxygen, we were told a little of what would be happening over the next 24 hours and then that we could get a room there at the hospital to stay in for the next few nights... and thus began our journey which would lead us to two long weeks in the NICU which seemed like an eternity then but now in perspective was really only a wisp, a fading moment compared to eternity.
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January' 2012
So I figured today is a quiet day (just waiting till 4pm when they start Elias' swallow study) and now would be a good time to start writing down everything that has happened. For myself before I start to forget things and because I am sure some of you are curious about the whole story but have given us space to deal with the immediate stuff instead of asking lots of what has gotten us here.
So Elias was due to arrive Christmas Eve or Day, yet he did not. My mom had flown in on the 22nd to be here for the delivery so the wait began. I had started to have some contractions but nothing that marked Labor was starting. Each day up to christmas was hopefully waiting yet nothing still, everyday after christmas was a battle to not get grumpy and irritable at everyone because labor was not starting still. Each evening I would have contractions for a few hours but then they would stop. So on the 28th early evening contractions started to get more frequent but still nothing super strong and nothing consistent unless you can count contractions 6 minutes apart then 2 minutes apart then 8 minutes and then 6 and then 2 again all varying in strength. So I spent all night awake yet trying to sleep but I just couldn't a few times I felt like maybe my water was leaking but not sure...so finally around 5 am I decided I would try and sleep a little and did until 8am I woke up and felt like I was leaking a little again but frustratingly the contractions had slowed down quite a bit again more like 10 to 12 minutes apart. After trying decided if I should wait out one more day ( I was supposed to go in on friday the 30th if I hadn't started labor yet) or call and see if I could be checked because of the possible leaking. I called and they said come in and as we were up and starting to move around and get out the door to go the contractions started up again getting closer and stronger (still only about 8 minutes apart at that point). Once we got there the on-call midwife, michelle started to check me. She checked and the fluid I had been leaking was definitely amniotic fluid (which meant that there was a tear somewhere higher up in the sac) and when she checked my cervix I was dilated in a funnel tip way one on the outside but four on the inside. So the other thing which started the day off was Elias had a fore sac of fluid above his head that was starting to come down first so michelle was pretty sure that within a few hours my sac should break on it's own or if it didn't we could go into the hospital and walk around for a few hours try and get the contractions to get stronger and Elias to descend down into the pelvic a little more and if that didn't do the trick she could break the sac. So off we went to the hospital checking in at about 11am on the 29th.
At the hopsital:
After checking in we waited for the nurse monitor me and Elias a little and then we would start walking around a little(and everyone was in tow, kids and Oma, we had decided that if everything went well we would let the kids watch the delivery of Elias). Contractions were getting harder but still not much else was happening pain was not too bad and I could easily breath through it. Michelle after a little while checked me and I had dilated to about an 8 on the inside and maybe a 5 on the outside (still dilating in funnel shape) so they called it a 6 or 7 but Elias was not descending down into the pelvic and because he was so high they didn't want to break my water in case his cord came down first and or he didn't settle down in after about 6 hours of all sorts of different positions and such to try and get gravity working and Elias to come down they decided to try and put me on a pitocin drip to try and get some stronger contractions coming to either break the water or push Elias down into the pelvic or both so they put me on the drip (mind you no meds) for another 3 hours I was on pitocin and still contracting regularly and stronger now but still Elias was way up "in Canada" as my midwife stated but by this time I was completely dilated but the water was not breaking and Elias was not descending. Around 8 or 9 my midwife told me she was going to call in a OB/GYN doc because in order to break the water at this point she needed to have a doc present in case of an emergency C-Section, I think I still wasn't at this point grasping things were not progressing as they should, the main fear was that if they broke the water and waters, Elias and cord all came gushing out the potential for Elias to be strangled by the cord was high so I needed to be prepared to have an emergency C-Section done. Or my other option was to not risk it and just go for the C-Section right then and there but whether it was pride in my baby delivering skills or fear or just knowledge of what that would all entail I couldn't accept the fact that I would be able to deliver Elias normally. So after we were given time to discuss the options, pray about I told my midwife that I would be okay with them breaking my water in the operating room and delivering him in there in case of the need for an emergency C-Section but I wanted to still do as much as possible, naturally as I could. So they got Judah suited up and me wheeled down the hall to the operating room (the kids and my mom couldn't come in there with us, they had been troopers through the whole labor time waiting patiently for Elias to come) once in the room me flat on my back on a very uncomfortable board/bed they broke my water and it gushed...all over the dear nurses and my midwife and the doctor!! :) and all praise to the father the cord did not gush out with the water but oh my I was not prepared to the rapid need to push Elias out and the excruciating pain of how rapidly He was coming now that all the water that had been holding him back was gone, I now I screamed, I clutched Judah, I am sure I may have even bruised his poor hands I was squeezing so hard and within five minutes Elias was out!! and I held him I felt his weight in my arms and the Joy that surpasses anything you could every feel was there, the pain of seconds before was just fading memory and Elias my littlest love was in my arms and I kissed his sweet little head and laughed and winced with the pain of fading contractions (though Elias had come so fast I think it took my body about 30min to realize he was out and stop contracting!) I remember I had to hand him off to my midwife for a minute so they could transfer me from the "board" back on to the hospital bed so we could be pushed back to our room. Then I had him back and he cried and I got to hold his sweetness to me and my mom and the kids and judah all walked with us back to the room and then the kids all got to see him touch him and then Judah got to hold him and look at him and then they gave him back to me and he was crying, I tried nursing him but he seemed to be having a hard time breathing and with concern we asked the nurse, is he okay, he seems to be having a hard time breathing and then in a blur the rest of the night happened they took him to the nursery and I sent Judah with them since I couldn't get up and go and I didn't want Elias for a second to be without one of us by him. At first we were told he just needs to be suctioned out so in about twenty minutes or so they would bring him to me or me to him. We sent my mom and the kids home to sleep and come back in the morning and I waited for the nurses or judah or my midwife to come back with Elias but they then told me to come with to the nursery to feed him but when I got there they had oxygen on his face and judah looked very concerned and white and there was a blur of nurses coming and an xray guy coming to try and pass an NG tube down Elias' esophagus and a doc was called and we waited while Elias was hoarse with crying and nothing we could do but sit back and watch....they told us he needed to be transferred to Swedish for an surgical evaluation, which wasn't really an answer other then he need to be looked at and they think he might need surgery... after that my midwife told me that my bleeding looked okay and if I felt up to it she could discharge me and let me go with Elias to the Hospital. So I got cleaned up and Judah and I waited while the paramedics came and got Elias all bundled up in box with oxygen we got to see him one more time and kiss his little hands and then we had to let him go then we had to sign a whole bunch of paper work and then they told us they suspected that he had TEF and Esophagial Atresia. So we waited for a taxi to come and then we were taken to Swedish where we then were directed to the NICU where Elias had been transferred, we went in to see him our sweety sedated and on oxygen, we were told a little of what would be happening over the next 24 hours and then that we could get a room there at the hospital to stay in for the next few nights... and thus began our journey which would lead us to two long weeks in the NICU which seemed like an eternity then but now in perspective was really only a wisp, a fading moment compared to eternity.
I wish I was there with you... I am not, so I will continue to pray.
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