Today was okay to start, most days seem okay, mornings are good I wake, the kids want food, I read, drink coffee, break up squabbles, drink more coffee. . .
Today we made an attempt at starting schoolwork again (we still have more to finish yet this year) it was fine for me but the kids were not so happy at having to work and exercise their brains :).
So we made it through a few sections.  Jaelle was really the only one I had a difficult time getting to do her work she was throwing a fit through it but towards the end she bucked up and finished it well. Josiah started to whine but stopped quickly and just got to work and got it done. Enoch did well as long as I was paying attention to him but as soon as I started helping one of the others he very, very quickly got off track.  I know as we start to do it everyday and they get used to doing the work again it shouldn't be such a struggle to get everyone's attitudes in control right away.
After we were done with that we finished packing up some packages to mail to a friend and one to a cousin, made lunch, cleaned the living room and then went to the post office and then to Lake Union to enjoy some sun, seeing as it was out and that the temps were above 60 today.
I managed to back the van into a guy's utility truck that was parked behind our parking spot, (slightly vexing) even though I know I should have and could have avoided the collision, it was that he parked in a spot that is NOT a parking spot and in a spot that makes the space in which I normally have to back up into considerably smaller and for the past three years usually back up with out thinking about it, so when something is there that normally isn't and shouldn't even be there in the fist place (I've had close calls before when other folks with fancy cars have decided to park there before), it caused the crunch. Ugh, doesn't help that I was functioning on little sleep from the night before so my auto-pilot was on. I even noted the truck was there in that spot and had even gotten annoyed that it was even parked there as I was getting into the van and then I proceed to back up into it. At least I only managed to crack the rear break light cover (which had already been cracked and pieced back together with tape so I just have to re-tape the cover together).
I was going to call up a friend to see if they wanted to join us in a walk down to the Lake and the Spray park but as the day progressed didn't feel like the company. Also it's one of those relationships where it is (not entirely, but more so) for their benefit, dealing with their often unruly kids which rub off on my kids (making the time together exhausting because I am constantly keeping my kids in check) plus we haven't seen them since before Elias had gone and not sure how that would go or how they would act (some have acknowledge it a lot of others have acted awkwardly as though the big elephant isn't in the room and avoid talking at all about our loss).  So even though the kids really wanted to see them, I just didn't want to make the effort today or deal with the "potential" stress, so we went on our own.
It was good, the kids played in the water and I read, then they played on the hills of grass near by drying off and warming up again (even though the sun was out, it still was barely 70 out, makes for chilly kids when wet) while I talked to my dad on the phone. It felt good to be out.
Then home we went, Judah was up but tired and anticipating not a lot of sleep for himself tomorrow after working all night,  he went back to sleep for a two hours before needing to leave for work.
Not sure what it was, just the depressing tiredness, quietness of the house, or no daddy presence that evening or what it was exactly but it seemed we were still just blah, even after running around for a few hours outside, as we came home, the kids where at odds, not horribly but little misbehaviors that were ignored all day or rather not seriously disciplined for, came back in full force it seemed. Although I am sure it was more likely my weariness of the day and used up patience/tolerance that made it seem worse then it was. But it lead to squats for the Jelly, swats for the Enoch, Josiah was made to sit and quietly read(he'd much rather be running around sword fighting, boxing or wrestling his siblings) and in the end everyone was just sent to bed an hour earlier then normal.
Then I went and cried with Judah for about a half an hour before he had to leave for work, then went and read and prayed with the kids (although Enoch was already out for the night)
and that was my day.
I feel rather hazy and tired, tired of the fight. Not giving up but I feel the weariness today.