So someone posted a thought about how one of the hardest part of losing a love one, and for us as Elias gone is everyone else's life gets on, returns to normal runnings but ours, ours is forever changed. It will never, never be the same again. I find myself having moments the past few days trying to do things, simple things like taking a shower or cleaning up the dishes and just have no motivation to get up and do anything. I'd rather just go and sit and stare at one of the pictures we have of our sweet smiling boy and remember the goofy wisps of long hair he had and how I loved to run my fingers through it and how soft and feathery it was and then just let the hot tears pour out. Then I have to shake it off, wipe the tears and force myself to get up and go and do these simple tasks.

We went and visited the gravesite today, I am so very grateful it is near us and we can go as often as we want and be near where he is laid to rest, the cemetery caretaker, (Paul Merry, and he is a rather jolly sort of flighty middle aged man, befitting his name) told us the proofs for the gravemarker/memorial should be ready by the end of this week. But I anticipate it will probably be at least a month if not more before the stone is actually placed on his grave.

I find it's easy to start thinking of the morning he stopped breathing, replaying everything that happened but I have to quickly stop myself, and remind myself that what happened has happened and we can't change it.  I get a rather sick, foreboding knot in my stomach, every time my thoughts turn in that direction.  So taking every thought captive. . .

I was talking to Judah last night, just about how we long, long for Elias to be restored to us, how we know, we know that if God chose to, he could even now raise him, whisk him here like the story of the ethiopian eunuch and philip in acts. But we know he isn't going to do that so we long and hope for the day we can be reunited with him. Judah then said that I just pray, that Jesus would return now and the thought hadn't really occurred to me that I could do that. . . thinking it could be years, seems such a long time and at the same time not really that long but it would be so much better if His return was soon. Come Lord Jesus,  come quickly.

Not much looks bright anymore, our dreams, aspirations, plans even for the future have dimmed. . .we know, we do know we will still keep standing, keep moving, but to be present with the Lord and to have Elias restored to us is what looks bright and what we hope for.